JayMac: Parenting is a lie, so quit fighting your kids

Apr 16, 2019, 7:23 PM | Updated: 7:37 pm
JayMac: more arguing is not the answer to parenting done right. Photo: Getty Images

The following is an opinion piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of KSL Newsradio or its ownership.

Here’s the thing: parenting is a lie.

A new study finds that parents and their children argue six times a day. That’s 42 times a week or 182 times a month. Each argument averages about 8 minutes. That translates into 48 minutes of arguing a day; it’s more than 5 1/2 hours a week, or almost a day of feuding a month and over 48 days of bickering a year.

Wow, 48 days: more than a month and a half of squabbling. And for what?

That’s why I say parenting is a lie. We were all told that if we parent in a certain way, our kids will turn out a certain way. But it’s a lie. Your child is going to turn out the way your child is going to turn out.

The parenting trap

Now, I’m not saying give up on trying and just surrender. But most of the arguments we have as parents with our children are just not worth it. Because, in the end, your child is going to decide for themselves who they will one day become.

What I have learned is the most you can do is give a nudge here and there. And your ability to nudge them is not based on how loud you can yell or how many punishments you can dole out. It’s based on your relationship with them.

I went out last night to dinner with my kids. It was my daughter’s 22nd birthday. We have a ball together. And not one time did I think: I wonder if their rooms are clean. I wonder if their cars are clean. I wonder if their grades are good. It didn’t come up, and it won’t come up, because those things don’t matter anymore.

And I look at those battles I once fought with my kids, and I think I wouldn’t fight those battles again.

Now, this is just me. It’s just JayMac. Please don’t think that I’m saying that you’re a bad parent. When you’re arguing with your kids all the time, the only thing you have left is a negative relationship. And the only thing that counts is the relationship.

Ask yourself: What battles with my kids are worth losing our relationship together?

All these things that we fight over every day, our children will pick up when their brains fill in. When their brains have been fully developed, that’s when they will get it. We fought our daughter all the time about cleaning up. The other day she was bragging about how clean her apartment was — as if she invented the idea of a clean apartment.

One size fits all doesn’t fit

I have four kids, and not one of them has gone the direction we thought they were going to go. It’s so amazing to watch when you back away from the idea that you failed when they didn’t follow the path that you had predetermined.

We had a child who was struggling in high school. We tried every method in the world: rewards, punishment, leverage, payments; nothing worked. When we sought an outside counselor, we found out our child had a heightened sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights, which is what high school really is. When we learned that, we suddenly weren’t arguing with our child. We now understood the problem. We were now fighting alongside our child, instead of fighting each other. When we discovered that we didn’t have to fight this fight alone, we found success.

The parenting trap is if you think that you can’t handle your child on your own, then you are a failed parent. There are outside resources. It’s not a sign of weakness. There were also moments when we realized that we were destroying our entire relationship with our child.

Is it really worth it in the long run? No.

All I really want as a parent now, once that I realized I can’t steer their lives in the way I was lied to and thought that I could, is to be part of their lives. If they need some counseling, they can come to me. And every one of them does, and I cherish it.

I don’t care about any of those things that I once thought were so important, that we fought about all day long, a long time ago. It’s just not worth it.

Jay Mcfarland hosts the JayMac News Show, weekdays from 12:30 to 3 p.m. on KSL Newsradio, as well as the fictional podcast, Hosts of Eden. KSL Newsradio is part of Bonneville Media and based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Don’t forget to review and subscribe to the JayMac News Show podcast on Apple Podcasts. Or follow Jay on Twitter and Instagram or on Facebook.

Today’s Top Stories


A screenshot of a facebook post made to the parents of Macie Hill....
Mark Jones

Father of girl who died in Kaysville parade is thankful for those who helped

An 8-year-old girl died Monday in an accident during the Kaysville Fourth of July Parade. Her father is thankful for all who assisted his daughter.
2 days ago
The community built a small memorial in front of Macie Hill's family home. Hill passed away after a...
Amie Schaeffer

GoFundMe started to remember 8-year-old girl who died in Kaysville parade

The Kaysville City Fourth of July parade turned tragic when Macie Hill was hit by a vehicle. She reportedly died from her injuries.
2 days ago
The new monuments at This is the place heritage park....
Mark Jackson

This is the Place Heritage Park to unveil monuments for early Black pioneers

This is the Place Heritage Park will unveil a monument dedicated to early Black pioneers on July 22, just in time for Pioneer Day.
6 days ago
Utah's Morning News Host Amanda Dickson with her husband, Aaron....
Amanda Dickson

Opinion: To honor Aaron, a father’s love for his children

This is an editorial piece. An editorial, like a news article, is based on fact but also shares opinions. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and are not associated with our newsroom.
20 days ago
The south temple tower is pictured....
Mark Jackson

Downtown South Temple Tower gets first-ever office tower to residential transformation

The South Temple Tower will become a multifamily tower and will feature studios and one-and-two bedroom units.
20 days ago
Utah Foster Care puts on Chalk Art Festival in The Gateway....
Waverly Golden

Utah Foster Care to hold Chalk Art Festival

Over 100 artists will compete in the Chalk Art Festival, presented by Utah Foster Care, over the weekend.
21 days ago

Sponsored Articles

Tax Harassment...
Jordan Wilcox

The best strategies for dealing with IRS tax harassment | You have options!

Learn how to deal with IRS tax harassment. This guide will teach you how to stop IRS phone calls and letters, and how to handle an IRS audit.
spend a day at Bear Lake...
Bear Lake Convention and Visitors Bureau

You’ll love spending the day at Bear Lake | How to spend a day at Bear Lake

Bear Lake is a place that needs to be experienced. Spend a day at Bear Lake.
Curb Appeal...
Price's Guaranteed Doors

How to have the best of both worlds for your house | Home security and curb appeal

Protect your home and improve its curb appeal with the latest security solutions like beautiful garage doors and increased security systems.
Prescription opioids can be disposed of during National Prescription Take Back Day...
Know Your Script

Prescription opioid misuse | How to protect your family from the opioid epidemic

Studies have shown that prescription opioid misuse has increased since COVID-19. So what do you need to know about these opioids?
national heart month...
Intermountain Healthcare

National Heart Month: 5 Lifestyle Changes to Make Today to Keep You Heart Healthy

Heart disease is the leading cause of death for both men and women. One person dies every 36 seconds in the United States from cardiovascular disease
Joseph Smith Memorial Building...
Temple Square

The Joseph Smith Memorial Building is an icon of Salt Lake City | Why hosting an event at this beautiful location will make you a hero this year

Here's why hosting an event at the iconic Joseph Smith Memorial Building in downtown Salt Lake City will make you a hero this year.
JayMac: Parenting is a lie, so quit fighting your kids