Dating at Her Age: The dangers of stalking

Oct 31, 2024, 7:00 AM | Updated: 2:03 pm

Former Digital Content Producer

SALT LAKE CITY — While dating can be exciting, it can also open the door to dangerous situations like stalking.

How do you know if you’re being stalked? Wendy Isom, director of victim services with the Salt Lake City Police Department, defined stalking as a pattern of behavior (with more than one event) where someone’s behavior causes another person emotional distress or fear for their safety.

Most statutes in Utah define it as two to three individual events, Isom told Dating at Her Age.

Isom said it’s hard to tell the level of danger with stalking, so police err on the side of caution and overestimate the risk when safety planning.

“If someone is coming to me and saying, ‘I’m a little scared,’ or ‘this doesn’t feel right,’ [I] trust that instinct … to make sure we’re not underestimating a risk.”

Stalking takes a toll on victims regardless of how long it lasts, Isom said.

What to do if you’re being harassed or stalked

Because modern dating involves apps, texting, and access to social media, harassment can look many different ways.

Sgt. Liz Johnson with the Salt Lake City Police Department said electronic harassment is where someone is sending unwanted messages constantly, soliciting photos, or asking inappropriate questions.

“Any time that’s happening and it’s making you uncomfortable, you can always call and make a police report. Initially, it might just be a police report where we’re documenting,” she said.

Police can also contact a harasser on someone’s behalf and ask them to stop. That would be documented too.

Johnson recommended saving messages, pictures, and any other communication because it will help a victim’s case if it escalates.

“Generally, if a police officer calls and says ‘you need to stop,’ it does stop,” Johnson said.

Stop your communication, create safety plan

If the person continues reaching out to you, Johnson said you should notify the police again.

Once you’ve told someone to stop, you should stop communicating with them.

“So you’ve told them to stop, end the conversation. Now, if they continue to text over and over and over again, without any response from you, that as well makes a very good case for us,” Johnson said.

Isom said that if you’re being stalked or harassed, create a safety plan.

“Individuals can do this in any number of ways. … They can do it through a police department or a stalking resource center. Or just get on the internet and look around,” Isom said.

Safety plans can include things like not walking to a car alone after a date, creating routes to take if you think you’re being followed, and telling people about your plans like who you’re going out with and what time you’ll be back.

“Each of us has a different pattern and how comfortable we are with confrontation. But figuring out where that is and having a game plan before [is important],” Isom said.

Stalking affects people across demographics

Isom said harassment and stalking happen across various demographics.

“Doesn’t matter how much a victim — or a stalker — makes, where they live, what their education level is,” Isom said.

Johnson said that in her experience, men report less often than women. But she noted that may be because of taboos men face over being the victim of harassment.

However, anyone being targeted should report it. It can be a dangerous situation regardless if the victim is a man or woman.

“Sex doesn’t matter, gender does not matter when it comes to these things. Either person can be in just as much danger,” Johnson said.

Safety tips

Johnson advised being cognizant of what you’re sharing on dating apps, especially things like location, your full name and your birthday.

“Once someone has your full name and your birthday, they can use other means to get more information about you.”

“If you’re taking pictures of your house, don’t take pictures of the front that shows your address.”

And if you’re meeting someone new, Johnson recommends having a first date at a mall.

” You’re not driving up. There’s not a parking lot where they see you arrive, you’re just parking,” Johnson said. “There’s plenty of people around. Have it in the middle of the day.”

Johnson said this way, you don’t have to go directly to your car after the date and can go into other stores. It’s easier to leave without someone knowing which car is yours or potentially following you.

Trust your instincts, talk to friends

Isom said to trust your instincts when someone’s behavior is making you uncomfortable.

“A lot of times by the time someone’s at our door, asking us for help, it’s been causing them to lose sleep, to change their patterns of behavior, to look over their shoulder for days and days and weeks,” Isom said.

Johnson encourages seeking help from those around you if you feel like something is wrong.

“Please be honest about your relationships. Talk to people that you feel comfortable with, confide in them so that they can just kind of help nudge you in the right direction,” Johnson said, adding, “it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

And ultimately, Johnson said you shouldn’t feel intimidated about calling the police.

“If you’re in fear or feel scared, just call us. We’re happy to show up. Don’t think that you’re escalating things,” she said.

“If it’s nothing, then that’s great. Then we go on our way and go to the next call. And if it’s something, then we’re there.”

Utah Domestic Violence LINKLine
1-800-897-LINK (5465)
If LINKLine advocates experience an increased call volume, they will forward calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

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