KSL Movie Show review: ‘Red One’ might not have what it takes to become a Christmas classic

Editor’s note: This is an editorial piece. An editorial, like a news article, is based on fact but also shares opinions. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and are not associated with our newsroom.

SALT LAKE CITY — There’s an old adage I probably just made up that says “If you try to please everybody, there’s a good chance you’ll end up pleasing nobody.”

That’s the kind of vibe I’m getting from “Red One.”

It’s an action Christmas movie that feels like “Mission: Impossible” one moment, switching to a buddy cop drama another, then to a spook alley monster mash and eventually wrapping up with a father/son heart tug.

That comes off as a bit of a whiplash, another movie altogether, featuring the Red One himself. J.K. Simmons.

How can that be, you ask? Well, I’ll tell ya.

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First off, Red One (Simmons) is the code name for St. Nick, an unusually buffed-up jolly old elf, you may also know as Santa Claus. He lives in what appears to be a North Pole Wakanda, complete with an invisible dome shield, a vast elf civilization and a top-notch security force.

That security force is led by Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson). Drift is on the verge of retiring, after seeing the gradual deterioration of goodness and kindness throughout the world.

He will be snapped out of his pity party when he realizes something is amiss at headquarters and no one reportedly “has eyes” on Red.

Yes, the main man himself has been kidnapped and Cal wants to know how in the world someone was able to penetrate their once-impenetrable fortress.

Turns out, there’s this nerdy slime ball, Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans), also known as The Wolf, for his ability to track down anyone, who has located the secret Santa hideaway and has sold those whereabouts to some unscrupulous entity.

And yes Jack is a self-centered jerk, a bad father and an all-around low life, but he certainly wouldn’t sell out Santa Claus, would he?

Turns out, Jack is on Level Four (the worst level) of the famed Naughty List but may be the only person who can help Cal’s team find Red.

So off they go through secret portals strategically located in supply closets of toy stores — sneaky, but cool — in search of those who may know who and why Nick was taken in the first place.

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That will take them to Aruba to meet money man and soon-to-be-possessed Ted (Nick Kroll) and be attacked by an ice cream truck filled with Snowmen monsters (really?), before darting off to eastern Europe to hopefully enlist the aid of Nick’s partying, slap fighting brother Krampus (Kristofer Hivju) while avoid being eaten by his hell hounds, that are easily distracted by a very quick chicken.

And I haven’t even gotten to the Christmas witch Gryla (Kieran Shipko). She’s Krampus’s ex and is in the business of making reformatory snow globes.

Are you still with me? Says both me and this movie.

“Red One” is banking on it having spent a frosty $250 million making it. But the age-old question rears its ugly head… Who did they make this movie for exactly?

The language and darkness will be too much for kids under 10. The goofiness will be somewhat annoying to the grownups.

I guess the filmmakers are counting on a vast number of adolescents — which I admittedly might be one of — to swarm theaters in record numbers. So we’ll see if “Red One” has what it takes to become a Christmas classic.

Even my purely scientific Magic 8 Ball stated, “Cannot predict now.” Second shake — “Don’t count on it.”

“Red One” (B-) Rated PG-13 for action, some violence and language. Starring Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, J.K. Simmons, Lucy Liu, Kristofer Hivju and Kiernan Shipka. Directed by Jake Kasdan (“Jumanji reboots” “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”) – filmed in Georgia and Hawaii. Running time: 123 minutes.

The KSL Movie Show with Andy Farnsworth and Steve Salles airs Fridays on KSL NewsRadio from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Follow the show on Facebook, and join The KSL Movie Show Club for exclusive perks by texting MOVIE to 57500. Message and data rates may apply. Text STOP to cancel. Message frequency varies.