Secret soulmates? BYU study finds disturbing trend of secret romances with AI chatbots

PROVO — A new study from BYU may unlock a new fear for many couples. A surprising amount of people in committed relationships are in secret romances with an artificial intelligence chatbot.

A study published Tuesday by the Wheatley Institute at Brigham Young University and the Institute for Family Studies surveyed 2,431 U.S. adults ages 18 to 30 who are dating, engaged or married.

Of those, about 1 in 7 reported regularly interacting with an AI romantic companion.

“Secret Soulmates: How AI Romantic Companions Are Impacting Real-Life Romantic Relationships in Young Adulthood,” examines how these AI companions are influencing real-life romantic relationships — and the results aren’t great.

The use of chatbot romances appears to be an emerging trend, as more than 20% of surveyors reported they had at least “experimented” with using one. On Reddit, the thread “My Boyfriend is AI,” reports 45,000 “companions” in its community “for people to ask, share and post experiences about their AI relationships.”

The study’s results of approximately 15% of young adults in committed relationships having an AI romantic companion is slightly higher than the estimated 10% the Harvard Business Review found from a Gallup survey, the Wheatley Institute said.

“We readily acknowledge the challenge of identifying an exact prevalence rate with rapidly evolving behavior such as the use of AI technologies,” said Brian Willoughby, a fellow at the Wheatley Institute and lead author of the study. “But even the most conservative of recent estimates reveal that AI romantic companions are an emerging trend worth paying attention to in young adult relationship development.”

Increasing engagement may stem from the AI platforms’ versatility, offering “both catered explicit sexual content along with a broader menu of relationship mimicking interactions,” the Wheatley Institute said. The technology can be used to seek out anything real-life partners may be unwilling or unable to provide.

Using an AI romantic companion, especially while simultaneously trying to nurture and develop a real-life romantic relationship, is a recipe for confusion and frustration.
–Michael Toscano, Institute for Family Studies

“Rather than wait for real-life relationships and partners to develop and grow over time, AI companions offer immediate rewards through their one-sided interactions,” the institute said. “It seems like these shortcuts are not providing a strong foundation for lifelong relationships.”

Trend of secrecy

Willoughby said it is important young adults are educated about the potential risks from using romantic chatbots.

The study found a trend of secrecy for those who used AI romantic technologies. Specifically, 30% reported their partner had no knowledge of the use, 11% said their partner was only somewhat aware and 14% noted their partner was mostly aware, but not fully aware of the extent.

“Taken together, this means that more than half of partnered young adults who interact with AI companions are either completely hiding or only partly disclosing their use of AI romantic companion platforms to their real-life partners,” a Wheatley Institute press release said.

Almost 70% of those using an AI companion reported it was “somewhat or extremely important” that their real-life partner never learned the full extent of the activity.

“Healthy relationship dynamics rely on honest and open disclosure between partners, and many young adults are likely inwardly aware that full disclosure of their use of AI romantic companions would negatively impact their real-life relationships,” the institute said.

The use of AI romantic chatbots is associated with lower levels of real-life relationship stability, lower quality communication patterns in real life, and an increased likelihood of breaking up or divorce, the study found. In fact, using an AI chatbot for romantic purposes was linked to a 46% decrease in the likelihood of being in a stable relationship.

Despite the negative effects, many of those using chatbots reported positive attitudes toward their AI companion and noted few reservations about continued use while in a committed relationship. About two-thirds said it’s easier to talk about their feelings or be themselves with their chatbot compared to real people.

“These perceptions of openness and connection, combined with an AI companion’s complete focus on validating their feelings, appear to be influencing how some users of AI romantic companions view interactions with their real-life romantic partners,” the institute said.

‘Illusion of control’

About half of chatbot users wished their real-life partner would behave more like their chatbot, and 56% wish their conversations with their partner were more like those with the chatbot, according to the study.

Michael Toscano, director of the Family First Technology Initiative at the Institute for Family Studies, said AI chatbots offer the users an “illusion of control,” while manipulating emotional reactions and creating artificial bonds to result in continued use and profits.

People can develop strong feelings of perceived trust in AI because of the platforms’ “illicit high levels of intimacy and disclosure” through counterfeit compassion, empathy and encouragement, the institute said. This one-sided validation fosters dangerous emotional dependence and decreases agency in real-life decision-making.

“Using an AI romantic companion, especially while simultaneously trying to nurture and develop a real-life romantic relationship, is a recipe for confusion and frustration,” Toscano said.

AI companions can mimic human interaction, but they “ultimately are simply not capable of true sacrifice and connection like real relationships,” said Jason Carroll, the Wheatley Institute’s director of the Marriage and Family Initiative.

Marriages benefit from two-way reciprocal and growth-oriented actions — something AI is incapable of — as people work together to overcome differences, he added.

“Because interactions with AI companions are by their nature counterfeit, we caution using terms like ‘partner’ or ‘relationship’ to describe interactions with AI algorithms and technologies — such interactions can never be genuinely relational in nature because they lack the essential reciprocal dynamic of a true relationship,” Carroll said.

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