KSL Movie Show review: ‘Nosferatu’ is unintentionally the comedy of the year

Editor’s note: This is an editorial piece. An editorial, like a news article, is based on fact but also shares opinions. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and are not associated with our newsroom.

SALT LAKE CITY — I am not to be trusted on this review, mainly because I consider Nosferatu to be the unintended comedy of the year. I couldn’t stop chuckling at nearly every turn.

The old English dialog was pretentious and overly earnest. “I pray thee!” Nope. The creature, Count Orlok (Bill Skarsgård) was wheezing like the hosed-up attorney from the Hudsucker Proxy. When he did talk, he sounded like Count Chocula trying to do a Romanian James Earl Jones voice, only very, very slowly. Luring a poor real estate agent Thomas (Nicholas Hoult) from Germany to the Count’s Carpathian Alps castle, Thomas is greeted by the stereotypical Romani gypsies who steal his horse, forcing him to hike the last few miles up to the castle, only to be scolded by the Count for arriving late, even though it was the Count himself who picked him up in the creepy carriage down the hill.

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Eager to have the Count sign the paperwork for a new German fixer-upper and get the heck out of there, Thomas forgets to read the ancient fine print, inadvertently co-signing away his spooky, lovely bride, Helen (Lily-Rose Depp), instead of the new digs. The Count even chortles like he just conned some kid into buying an exploding Yugo.

The creepiest thing about this horror-less movie was the Count’s dining manners. He slurps up blood like a bulldog lapping up a fresh bowl of water while moaning disturbingly in the process. Pretty gross! Plus he did drain a couple of innocent, cute kids. Not cool! 

However, to his credit, filmmaker Robert Eggers does a nice job with the set pieces and setting a mood within them. He also throws his lucky rabbit’s foot Willem Dafoe a bone allowing him to play an occult expert who is always one step behind his nemesis. And hats off to Lily-Rose for looking especially gaunt and haunted for a potential visit from The Master Slurper. Geez.

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I’m fairly certain this is nothing like what you were expecting to hear. I’m also certain your experiences with Nosferatu will very greatly from mine. Sorry, it just wasn’t working for me the way the filmmakers wanted it to play out, although admittedly I was entertained. 

NOSFERATU (B) Rated R for bloody violent content, graphic nudity and some sexual content. 

The KSL Movie Show with Andy Farnsworth and Steve Salles airs Fridays on KSL NewsRadio from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Follow the show on Facebook, and join The KSL Movie Show Club for exclusive perks by texting MOVIE to 57500. Message and data rates may apply. Text STOP to cancel. Message frequency varies.