Jeff Caplan’s Minute of News: Taylor Swift’s new album… for the non-Swifties

Apr 19, 2024, 6:00 PM

Taylor Swift...

FILE - Taylor Swift performs at the Monumental stadium during her Eras Tour concert in Buenos Aires, Argentina, Nov. 9, 2023. Universal Music Group, which represents artists including Taylor Swift, Drake, Adele, Bad Bunny and Billie Eilish, says that it will no longer allow its music on TikTok now that a licensing deal between the two parties has expired. (AP Photo/Natacha Pisarenko, File)

(AP Photo/Natacha Pisarenko, File)

Editor’s note: This is an editorial piece. An editorial, like a news article, is based on fact but also shares opinions. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and are not associated with our newsroom.

SALT LAKE CITY — This morning I had blood drawn and at 8 a.m., as she was about to poke me, I casually said to the nurse, “Did you hear Taylor’s new album?” 

She started shouting and waving her arms around. She almost poked my eye out.

Listen live at 6:38 p.m.: Jeff Caplan gives his review on “The Tortured Poets Department”

It’s like that for Swifties after the release of the new album last night.

So if you’re not a Taylor Swift fan, I’m going to give you the cheat sheet so you can hold a conversation with anyone you love who’s lost in the Taylor Swift wormhole. 

I’ll make this quick.

At 10 p.m. she released a new album and fans immediately immersed themselves.

Then at midnight, she announced surprise! It’s a double album and here are another 16 songs.

Brains exploded all over America with 31 new songs to memorize, many about her six-year relationship with the evil villain Joe Alwyn — a B-list British actor who never wanted their relationship public until a soul-crushing breakup that was epic enough to fuel all these songs.

Plot twist — Joe gets writing credit on a couple of her old songs because sitting around during the pandemic she probably said, “I need a rhyme for “break up” and he said, “How about makeup?” So now he’s a writer and he played the piano on a couple of songs. For that effort, Joe Alwyn’s now making millions off her. Bitterness abounds. 

By the way, the only clear reference to Travis Kelce is the song The Alchemy. 

Travis Kelce just keeps on winning, and so does his girlfriend. This new double album is already setting streaming records. So, casually say to your Swiftie out of nowhere, “My favorite song is The Alchemy, it’s just so… optimistic.” Their brain will explode again.

Look, I’m no Taylor Swift Expert, but on the other hand, this album almost cost me an eyeball.

Jeff Caplan is the host of Jeff Caplan’s Afternoon News on KSL NewsRadio. Follow him on Facebook and X. 

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Jeff Caplan’s Minute of News: Taylor Swift’s new album… for the non-Swifties