Movie “It Ends With Us” shines harsh light on domestic violence
Aug 12, 2024, 6:30 PM | Updated: Aug 13, 2024, 5:16 pm
SALT LAKE CITY — Is it harder to hold on or to let go? The movie, “It Ends With Us,” spotlights domestic violence and its nuances.
In the movie, the main character, Lily Bloom, grows up in a household poisoned by domestic violence. As an adult she vows never to place herself in an abusive relationship.
But after she meets and falls for a neurosurgeon with a hidden dark side, her vow becomes a bit more difficult to keep.
Focus: domestic violence
Family and domestic violence is a common problem in the United States, affecting an estimated 10 million people every year. As many as one in four women and one in nine men are victims of domestic violence.
Jenn Oxborrow, licensed clinical social worker and former executive director of the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition, shares her insights from victims and abusers.
She said domestic violence is a crime like no other. It’s nuanced and made complex because the perpetrator is loved. Because of this, there is a “strong tendency” to normalize this type of crime, Oxborrow said.
“And to me it’s very much both. You can both love someone and not be safe. You can love someone and leave, or try to leave, in order to have a safer life for you and your children,” she said.
Can an abuser ever change?
Oxborrow said something that makes the lines involving domestic violence murkier is not every abuser appears as a monster, although the violence is undeniably monstrous.
“I’ve been a therapist for a long time. I’ve worked in a lot of different settings, and I would say that I really haven’t met too many monsters. You can be a really dedicated father or mother and not have the capacity to show up as an equitable, loving, respectful partner,” she said.
But the good news is everyone can change. She added that peeling back the layers through therapy can reveal motives and values behind the physical and emotional abuse.
“When you clarify their values; what they value is loyalty and respect and connection and family and power. Once you start to work through that and help people understand that you can have those things, you can attain those things through love and gentleness and respect and dignity. Once you clarify values, people can change,” said Oxborrow.
“What you can’t do is change someone else. You cannot love someone enough to make them stop being violent. You cannot love someone enough to make them change their behaviors. We are all responsible for our own actions and values and decisions.”
New state law concerning domestic violence
A new state law requires law enforcement conduct a lethality assessment on scene to determine the likelihood of violence for the victim in a toxic relationship.
The Lethality Assessment Protocol (LAP) is a 12-question screening tool used by officers and first responders to identify high-risk domestic abuse victims. Some of those questions include: Does the aggressor have a gun? Have they ever used a weapon against the victim? Has the aggressor ever threatened to kill the victim or the victim’s children?
Domestic violence resources
Help for people in abusive relationships can be found by contacting:
- Utah Domestic Violence Coalition: Utah’s confidential statewide, 24-hour domestic violence hotline at 1-800-897-LINK (5465)
- YWCA Women in Jeopardy program: 801-537-8600
- Utah’s statewide child abuse and neglect hotline: 1-855-323-DCFS (3237)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
