Hope amid heartache: Understanding how faith and knowledge can help move a person through the grieving process

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SALT LAKE CITY — If there’s one thing that’s certain in life, it’s emotion. And across the years, each one of us experiences a range of emotions. While many of them are great — joy, hope, happiness, strength — others including sadness, misery and grief might seem more negative.

When we find ourselves in deep despair, it’s easier to dig deeper into that depression. Moving upward toward light can seem like an insurmountable task. But it’s not — there are ways to move forward. We may be in a dark place, unable to see any glimmer of light. But with hope and faith, we can find our way out of grief.

We can find a way to move on with life, stronger and happier because of the challenges we’ve faced.

It all starts with an understanding of grief.

What is grief? What leads to the feeling of grief? 

Many people associate grief with death — those who’ve lost a loved one, for instance, are likely to face a wall of grief standing in their way as they try to heal. But grief is larger than that; it comes from any kind of loss. The loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, the loss of a marriage, the loss of innocence. Even the loss of identity can cause one to grieve over the person they used to be. 

Allan Pauole, a clinical mental health counselor with Revere Health, said he often sees grief associated with the simple process of moving through different life stages. Many of his patients are young adults, and he notices a lot of grieving from those young people – as well as their parents – because moving from one part of life to another is a major transition.

“Not only are you losing a part of who you were, you’re really heading into this uncharted territory about ‘what’s next?’” Pauole said. 

Pauole also said grief can wear a lot of different masks. “It can come up in a lot of different situations and present itself in different ways,” Pauole said.  When he meets with his clients, Pauole said he’ll begin by discussing their normal habits and by asking if anything is out of the ordinary. “Are they sleeping more often or less often,” he asks the patient. “Are they more patient or less patient? Have they been eating more or less? Do they have more or less energy?”

Since grief manifests itself in different ways for each person, Pauole said it’s important to understand what’s normal for a specific person before trying to understand if the person is grieving. 

In the beginning

In the beginning of grief, Pauole said he’ll often have patients come in showing signs of anxiety or depression. But many of those patients don’t realize that they have grief; it’s only once he begins asking questions that he helps patients realize they’re responding to grief. 

Regardless of what brings on feelings of grief, it’s important to recognize that these are normal feelings.

“Grieving [is a] healthy part of who we are,” Pauole said. “Especially when you look at us in terms of human beings with the ability to love.” When we grieve over something that was once in our life — but no longer is — he said we can begin to recognize true feelings of love. 

“When we look at [grief] in the context of it as an expression of love,” Pauole said, “to me, it takes away some of the sting and some of the negative connotations that we sometimes apply to [grief].” 

“Grieving is a more personal experience that people have as they work through some form of loss,” said Dr. Ben Christiansen, a neuropsychologist with Ogden Clinic. “What makes it hard is that everyone goes, ‘I have a perception of what grief should be and what should be a cause of grief.’ But I don’t think it works that way.” 

“Everyone has different experiences in life. Jobs can cause grief — losing those. Losing loved ones, losing your home – there are a lot of losses in life that equate to some form of grief in individuals,” said Christiansen. 

“You’ll see people who don’t show any outward [expression], and so we often think ‘they’re not grieving because we’re not seeing this thing.’” But Christiansen warns that outward expressions tend to fall more into the mourning category and don’t equal grief. He said this should lead us to be more compassionate, knowing that just because a person isn’t outwardly weeping, it doesn’t mean they’re not mourning. 

Pauole said that while we should be more understanding and patient with our grief, we don’t want to let it overcome us; we don’t want it to continue to be a heavy burden. 

“One of my favorite analogies that I use with grief is that it’s a lot like the wave of emotion – it’s going to come and go. When it comes, we don’t try to push it away and when it leaves, we don’t try to hold onto it,” Pauole said. “We let it ebb and flow as our emotions dictate.” 

He recommends that as people experience periods of grief, it’s important to look at what’s next. “Grief isn’t always tied to the past, but it’s always about ‘how do I move on into the future knowing all of this?’” 

The stages of grief 

While grief manifests itself differently for each person, medical professionals often combine feelings of grief into five groups, or, the five stages of grief: 

1. Denial. The period of time when someone said they can’t accept the new reality.
2. Anger. Pure, raw emotion comes in, making it challenging for someone to really understand and process what they’re feeling.
3. Bargaining. During this stage, the person tries to bargain for a different solution — a different outcome. “What if I give my soul up for my child? Will that change the outcome?” 
4. Depression. The feelings overcome and push down on us, causing a person to feel hopeless. 
5. Acceptance. Finally, getting to a stage where the person is able to accept what has happened and feels like they’re in a place to move onwards. 

According to Cleveland Clinic, “some people include other stages of grief, too, like shock, disorganization, testing, and more.”

The stages of grief are also called the Kübler-Ross model. It was first outlined in 1969 by Swiss American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  

While the stages of grief were initially outlined as a response to death, mental health professionals have broadened them to fit any situation where a person experiences a visceral reaction to some kind of deep, meaningful loss. 

Dr. Ben Christiansen with Ogden Clinic said he has to remind his patients that grief not only manifests itself differently for each person, but the stages of grief also differ for each patient.  

“I think the hard thing that we struggle with is that everyone thinks it follows an equation … [but] it doesn’t work that way with people,” Christiansen said. “We’re different. We feel them sometimes in different orders, at different lengths, at different times.” And to make it a little more complicated — and real, “sometimes, we feel the same step multiple times through our grieving process,” Christiansen said

According to Christiansen, he often tells his patients to not put a timeframe on processing grief. “There is no timeline. There shouldn’t be a timeline. We are allowed to grieve however that grief process looks. The key is that we have support and that we’re doing it in a safe manner.”

Using faith to work through grief 

Many people turn to their faith or religion to help them through their darkest moments. The Holy Bible — used by Christians around the world — said that Jesus Christ experienced grief. Because of that, Christians believe he will help them through their own periods of grief. 

Revelations 21:4 often provides comfort to people of faith, “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” 

For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, grief is seen as a natural part of life. But it’s also seen as something that must not dominate one’s life.  

In the January 2014 edition of The Ensign, licensed clinical social worker Steven Eastmond wrote that grief is painful, but it’s something that can’t be avoided. “Grief hurts, but it can be the salve that helps us heal when it is allowed to do its work appropriately,” Eastmond said. “Grieving is not a brief process. Be patient with it and give it time.” 

“Grief, unfortunately, is a part of this world,” said Father George Nikas, Cathedral Dean of Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Cathedral of Salt Lake City. “However, as Orthodox Christians, we know that death is not the end.” 

Father Nikas said that the best way to move through grief is by having hope. Within the Greek Orthodox Church, there’s an emphasis on remembering the resurrection of Jesus Christ. 

“Yes, grief is a part of our life,” Father Nikas said, “but it doesn’t have to control us.” He said that within the church, there are numerous mechanisms that can help ease the pain of someone who’s suffering through bouts of grief. “It would be unnatural for us not to grieve.” 

Father Nikas said one of the best examples of grief comes from the Bible. “Christ himself gave us the example of grieving when he wept at the tomb of his good friend, Lazarus. However, Christ also showed us the measure of weeping. He wept. He wasn’t bewailing. He wasn’t screaming and yelling. It was a very controlled sadness.” Father Nikas said that Christ acted that way because of the hope in the resurrection. And it’s that hope that he said all must have to move through grief. 

He said that when one has hope in Christ, “that which is impossible with man is possible with God.” 

There’s no timeline for grief stages

In the end, there is no one way to feel grief and sadness. And there’s no timeline either.  

“It’s okay — you’re allowed to feel what you want. You are you — you’re not supposed to be somebody else,” said Dr. Ben Christiansen, a neuropsychologist with Ogden Clinic.  

As people come to better understand the feelings of grief and how the feelings affect them, they can better understand the ways to best move through grief.  

Christiansen said for many people, mental health assistance can be a powerful method to process deep-seated feelings of grief. He also said that for people watching their loved ones grieve, it can be difficult to know how to help. 

“I think we see that happen when we watch people — because it’s such a personal experience — when they start shutting out their world,” said Christiansen. “I think that sometimes the anger will show that; sometimes the depression will show that. The key that I often share with loved ones of individuals is that their loved one is is allowed to feel and work through this.”

He said the key is to check in on those near you who may be experiencing grief and make sure that it’s not changing them — that they’re still rooted somewhere in there. He said it’s important to make sure, “they know you’re there to love them, you’re there to support them, and at some point, it will be acceptable. It will be okay.” 

Christiansen said that doesn’t mean the pain will completely go away. In fact, it may never go away. But he said that eventually, the pain will subside, and life will be livable once again. 

Contributing: Maria Shilaos, KSL NewsRadio

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