Jeff Caplan’s Minute of News: Kids, stay away from Pickleball

Apr 17, 2024, 7:30 PM | Updated: Apr 18, 2024, 1:31 pm

Image of people playing pickleball at the 11th Avenue Park in Salt Lake City on Thursday, June 30, ...

FILE: People play pickleball at the 11th Avenue Park in Salt Lake City on Thursday, June 30, 2022. Utah loves its pickleball and new data from Apple backs that up. The study shows that Utah leads the nation in people playing the sport.(Mengshin Lin/Deseret News)

(Mengshin Lin/Deseret News)

Editor’s note: This is an editorial piece. An editorial, like a news article, is based on fact but also shares opinions. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and are not associated with our newsroom.

SALT LAKE CITY — Kids, you can have basketball, football, soccer and almost every other sport. Enjoy yourselves, work up a sweat. But I have to talk to you about one sport that’s none of your business. Pickleball. Stay away from it.  

Young people — you have youth, razor-sharp reflexes, you have knees that work. So go play tennis or rugby for all I care. Just stay away from pickleball.  

It’s so hard to get court time, that middle-aged Utahns with the means go through the trouble of building a court in their backyard. I want to propose a law banning anyone under 40 from playing. Or even better, a total ban ’til you wake up, look at your spouse every morning and first thing —  tell her what hurts. Then you’re ready for Pickleball.  

The reason I’m so possessive of this sport is a report out of New York City, where a growing number of young people are deleting their dating apps in disgust, and the hot new singles scene is the city’s crowded public pickleball courts. After a bunch of young people found love on the next court over, they told their friends, and now all the young professionals are hogging the courts hoping to find a spouse who’s good in the kitchen.  

What’s next? Is pickleball gonna replace dance clubs? DJ’s and Lasers… and pickleball? Can’t have it.

If this big city trend comes here there’s nothing for older people to do but sit home and yell at Fox News. So whippersnappers, if you won’t give us our court time — we’re gonna take it. Senate candidates… who’s with me? Remember, older people vote in greater numbers. You want Mitt Romney’s Senate seat? Support my pickleball ban for anyone under 40 and you can pack for Washington.  

And another thing. Get off my lawn.

Jeff Caplan is the host of Jeff Caplan’s Afternoon News on KSL NewsRadio. Follow him on Facebook and X. 

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Jeff Caplan’s Minute of News: Kids, stay away from Pickleball