You are enough: Empowering women of faith

 

Editor’s note: This is an editorial piece. An editorial, like a news article, is based on fact but also shares opinions. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and are not associated with our newsroom.

SALT LAKE CITY — Women are their own worst critics. We seem to struggle daily, trying to meet unrealistic expectations. In every part of our lives, we strive for self-satisfaction. And that’s so much easier said than done.

In 2017, I sat down with several women to talk about this struggle and what we – as women – can do to not only uplift ourselves, but also our friends and family, and especially our daughters.

Why are women so hard on themselves?

Dr. Susan Madsen, founder and director of the Utah Women and Leadership Project, has spent years conducting research on this very topic.

Through her studies, she’s concluded that women are hard on themselves because of their unrealistically high standard of perfectionism. She says there’s constant pressure to be better.

Interestingly, this isn’t something that starts at birth. Young boys and girls often exhibit similar levels of confidence, that is, until they reach puberty. Between the ages of 10 and 13, girls’ confidence levels drop and never catch up.

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Madsen said women especially don’t know how to accept failures.

“Sometimes, we as women say ‘we just need to hang in there. We need to endure to the end,’” said Madsen. “But women who have real confidence – they tend to look at failure, challenges, or trials … with a little bit of a smirk or a smile on their faces in terms of ‘ooh, you know, it’s a challenge to climb a mountain.’”

Methods to boost confidence

Confidence can be strengthened several ways, Madsen said. She includes competing in sports and athletics, participating in speech and debate and getting an education.

Research shows that women who have an associate’s degree are more confident than those who don’t have a degree. And the confidence levels continue to grow as women earn even higher college degrees like a bachelor’s or master’s degree.  Madsen said educated women “tend to have more confidence, more self-esteem, more voice.”

She also said women should look at getting an education not just for a better job, but for a myriad of other benefits. She specifically highlighted how an education can lead to more critical thinking and more engagement in society.

Where do body issues come from and how can we improve our own self-image?

Another person I sat down with in 2017 was Denise Druce, a fitness expert and owner of Yoga Assets. I asked her how women became so critical of their own bodies and image.

The biggest reason she said, is the culture, the way we’re raised. And it’s a perpetual thing; we pass it down to our daughters by the way we raise them. 

“I can only speak to raising sons – because I have three of them – but I don’t worry so much if my boys’ clothes match,” Druce said. “I don’t worry if they leave the house with messy hair. But I do see a lot of moms or girls being a lot more particular about how their girls look when they leave the house.”

She says our critical self-image also comes from the media, which often enforces ideas of what our skin should look like or what our ideal body weight should be.

How can mothers help their daughters?

One issue with our culture and the way we women were raised is that we often pass what we learn to our daughters. We model behavior – for better or worse – that our children see and emulate.

“Modeling behavior is critical,” said Heidi Moreton, executive director of Girls on the Run. “That we talk positively about ourselves, that we have self-compassion, that we can be mindful of ourselves and our decisions. I think just saying these things out loud so our children can hear them and see that we’re making mistakes, but that we forgive ourselves and move forward [is such a huge thing].”

Actor Kate Winslet spoke about this a few years ago. “When I grew up,” she said, “I never heard positive reinforcement about body image from any female in my life. I only heard negatives. That’s very damaging because then you’re programmed as a young woman to immediately scrutinize yourself and how you look.” Winslet said that, now, she stands in front of the mirror each day and says to her daughter, “we are so lucky.”

With this in mind, we should not only be giving our daughters praise for how they look but also praise for traits completely unrelated to looks. We should praise them for their mind, for their work ethic, for their integrity. By focusing on traits unrelated to image, we can help young women grow more confidence and security with their whole person. Then, as they age and their looks change, it won’t matter as much – they will still see and know how much they are worth based on all the other wonderful things that make them who they are.

Women are enough. Period.

In terms of the bottom line – in terms of this whole concept – we are all enough. “We were born enough,” Druce said. “If you’re a human being and you’re breathing, you’re here for a reason. In you, you have a calling, you have a mission, you have a role to play in someone else’s life. And you’re completely adequate.”

Druce said that instead of shutting down negative thoughts right away, we must change our approach. “Just say, ‘oh, there it is again – that lie, that voice that live in my head and it’s not true.” She recommends replacing those thoughts with something like, “I am beautiful. I am strong. I am healthy. I am vibrant. I am a contribution. I am a good friend. I am a great mom.”

By validating yourself with positive affirmations – all of which are true – those lies go away.

As women, we are often such good advocates for other people. We’re so good at lifting up our friends, our children, our colleagues. But if we could also do that for ourselves, imagine what we could do.

“We’re stronger than we think we are … [we just need to] focus on all those inner characteristics that just make us beautiful and enough.”

Maria Shilaos is the host of Let’s Get Moving with Maria, a co-host of the KSL Greenhouse Show, and the national news desk anchor for Jeff Caplan’s Afternoon News on KSL NewsRadio. Follow her on Facebook and X. 

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Contributing: Andy Cupp